I have had an ephiphany.
I have these once in a while, and while I’ve heard they are supposed to be wonderfully uplifting and illuminating, mine tend to be more of the clue-by-four to the forehead kind. And this really was. It was the result of several conversations from the past few weeks, and the diagnosis of my migraines as stress-related (I know, shocking, huh?). Mostly, though, it was me realizing that despite everything, I wasn’t happy.
Writing used to make me happy. Writing used to be a joy. Now, it has been a chore, or worse, something to dread. I hate that. I love to write.
I work 40 hours a week, with an hour commute each way. My job is very demanding, because I’m working with people’s money, their retirement savings, and given the markets recently, it’s been a bit….challenging. It’s not a job that I can sit back and wing through. It’s exhausting. I used to come home, though, determined to write, because that’s what writers, REAL writers, do, right? And then I’d write about 250 words of crap, delete it later, feel like a failure because all the other writers I know are churning out words, and books, and stories, and they’ve got them up on Kindle, and are getting agents and deals and even if they aren’t doing any of that, they’re actually FINISHING things, which I haven’t done in months….and it was a downward spiral. And then the clue-by-four hit.
I don’t have to do what they do.
You have no idea how freeing that statement was. I don’t have to pursue agents. I don’t have to publish to Kindle, or Smashwords. I don’t have to go to cons, and promote.
I can just write, and enjoy it.
I will be at CapClave in October (barring anything unforeseen), and then I think the next con I will be doing is Balticon in May. I’m going to finish up Spells, turn in Rites, and write Rebirth (the short erotica). And then, I’m just going to write.
Today, however, I have other things to do as well. I need to clean up, since we’re hosting the official afterparty next weekend after Baronial Birthday, and I need to cook. And there’s WoW in my future. As well as erotica.
Think I’ll do the to-do list in a separate post – or just on my computer screen. This got longer than I wanted.
- (personal/to-do) Getting ready for Harper’s
- (metrics) Love in the age of apocalypse…